Category Archives: Observations

Sparks

fireworks“And the rockets’ red glare
the bombs bursting in air
Gave proof through the night
that our flag was still there…”

Last weekend our country celebrated another birthday. We celebrate with “bombs bursting in air” and flags in our yards. As a nation, we had picnics & BBQs, went swimming, giggled and laughed. Overall, it was a good time.

Being me, I was coming to tear down your happy. I was going to talk of patriotism and soldiers lost. I was going to explain how I’ve told my children, since they were very young, “each and every spark of a firework represents someone that died for our freedoms.” I was going to go all maudlin…

And then Becky happened.

Let me back up. It was a great weekend. Dickie came down from Canada. Apparently, the fireworks up north aren’t that great. We played thursday night. I went to sleep at a decent hour so I could go to work friday, and the boys stayed up until the wee hours doing god knows what—but I hear no llama’s were involved.

Della & Scott came down friday night for a while. Evil Gypsy that I am, when she texted they were close, I suggest to the boys that we play Rock Band and timed it just perfectly. When D&S pulled up, Bob was singing Bon Jovi and Dickie was dying on the drums he’d turned into bongos. Embarrassing your friends on purpose? That’s love. They visited for a while and I played with sparklers like the 12-year-old I am. Many giggles and lots of magic.

Saturday was a million degrees and the three of us spent the day in the pool. We were waterlogged but had a great time. There were tiki torches and an amazing meal of grilled kabobs & shrimp. Qwee showed up after dinner and hung out for a while. After dark there were more sparklers & two larger fireworks that the old woman at Black Cat promised would be good. She didn’t lie. When Qwee left, I made the boys play with sparklers until they remembered that they weren’t too old for magic, and we discussed childhood magic vs. adult adventure until the wee morning hours. I learned that I’m an anomaly. Apparently, Alethea and I see magic far more often than those around us, and friends that notice it feed off it. I decided to spend the rest of the weekend trying to fix this.

Sunday we went to Baltimore. The plan was to hit Poe’s grave, Poe’s house, wander Fell’s Point, see fireworks and hang at Howl at the Moon until they kicked us out. We had some failures along the way, but some happy surprises as well. Poe’s grave is closed. The city of Baltimore proved again that they have no love, respect or desire to improve either location for the man that many of us would eagerly invite to dinner. Scheduled tours, the first and third weekends of the month, friday at 6 and saturday at 10, are the only times you can get in the graveyard now. The house? Well, it’s still closed, but we didn’t know right away. When we pulled up there were two squads and three cops at the house next to it, blocking the one-way street so we couldn’t get there. We laughed at the Poe Fail we were having and decided to wait it out, rather than walk into some blazing gun fight in the projects. We waited. We finally squeezed through the road block to see the “closed” sign and I sighed, “Oh hell… take us to the hotel.”

We checked in, Dickie found an A/C vent in the hallway that he started having romantic conversations with, we freshened a touch and ventured out into the blazing heat to wander Fell’s Point. Again, there was a plan. The plan was to wander, yes, but to also show Dickie the Santeria shop found on a previous adventure. The one with the plain brown packages in a cooler in the back. The one Hippie is a little afraid of. And as Sunday Fail would have it, it was closed. We managed to get him to the comic store, and I’m still surprised he didn’t buy the bacon tuxedo. We wandered back toward the hotel. I declared they should feed me. And we found heaven, er, sushi to die for. After stuffing our faces with godzilla rolls and angel vaginas, we hit the hotel for a power nap. Yes, we’re that old.

Awake, refreshed, changed and ready for an evening of fireworks and debauchery, we headed back out into the heat. After double Poe fail and Santeria fail, and half the other shops I wanted to see being closed, I was expecting an announcement that fireworks had been canceled and we’d have total Baltimore Fail. But I didn’t say it out loud. I didn’t give the universe that one.

The fireworks were amazing. They were magic. Period. I’m sure there are pretty words to describe it, but I just can’t. Even my muse was speechless. The finale looked like someone had thrown a giant bag of cupcake sprinkles into the sky and lit them on fire. The sparks, each one deserving a thank you, and reflections on the water were exactly what this gypsy needed. I’m a simple girl. I’m easy to please. I requested water and fireworks, the rest was just extra. Extra was closed for renovations but I got my heart’s desire.

We then took off for Howl at the Moon. I learned that my shoes are hawt but cobblestone sucks and went barefoot. Yes, I was in Baltimore barefoot. Yes, I watched my step for hypodermics. We met up with Amber & Doug, the piano guys played the standard Piano Man almost instantly and then Bon Jovi for the boys as if they’d been told. We left there, and went to Hard Rock, where I had the most amazing strawberry margarita ever. There was jokes and laughs and smiles and memories all day and all night. When Hard Rock closed and we headed back to A&D’s hotel to find an open bar and pizza, we found a large fountain instead. It was beautiful. It had waterfalls and statues and spraying water and great big signs that said “no swimming.” HA! I had my feet in the water immediately. Amber followed. We sat on the edge for about two minutes splashing our feet before we looked at each other and giggled.

Signs, signs
everywhere there’s signs…
do this
don’t do that
can’t you read the sign

Um no. I can’t. I suck and have an issue with authority figures and rules that make no sense. Amber and I hiked up our miniskirts and hopped on in. It was amazing. It was magic. The boys sat on the bank and watched. I saw the smiles. I knew they at least understood the magic, even if they couldn’t feel it themselves.

The hotel bar was closed, we wandered barefoot for a few blocks, found a cabby that knew nothing and left A&D to head back to our hotel—because we were smart and had packed squirrel supplies for the trip. We got back, the boys made secret squirrels and we headed out front to smoke on the sidewalk.

The weekend was fun. The day was amazing. There were tons of memories and lots of magic and my glassy eyes thanked every single one of those soldiers in the sky. And while we were recapping, we met Becky.

Becky had been evicted the day before. She’d been living with a couple and paying them rent, however, they were not paying the landlord. She’d been to all the shelters and they were full. She and her Wal*Mart bag of possessions were desperate. She had a water bottle, clean arms, clear eyes and a passion in her broken voice that made me go quiet. Me. The band on her left hand wasn’t a wedding ring, it was a reminder of the son she’d left with an aunt while she got on her feet. She told us of the hostel she’d found that would give her a bed, a shower and three squares. She’d been begging for the last three hours and everyone had been rude and cruel and mean to her. She made some comment about destitution depressing others and they turn cold at the sight of it. We’re not everyone else. We asked her name. We made her feel human again.

I see magic everywhere. That night, I saw it in both my boys and a stranger. The boys were beaten into remembering that it’s there to see, you just need to look. And Becky had forgotten magic even existed. Wallets came out. Kind words were passed. Her eyes lit up and relief washed across her face. She had a plan, she’d told us already, and now she was a step closer to it. She was turning 40 in 10 days and with any luck wouldn’t be on the streets by then. Hippie sent her off to her hostel and future with a glimmer in his eyes. I loved him a little more at that moment. I hated humanity a little more at that moment. The fact that everyone had been cruel to her, on the 4th of July, angered me for some reason…

Magic. I see it daily and hug it tight like a teddy bear. I see it in my surroundings and I see it in hazel eyes. The lightening bug that says hello, the child that smiles back at me. It’s everywhere. I saw it in Baltimore’s night sky, reflected in the Inner Harbor. I reminded the boys of it every time I saw it, every time I noticed them seeing it on their own. And I saw it in those weary blue eyes as they walked away from us that night, her step a little lighter than it had been when we met.

I was originally calling this blog “Thank you” to the men and women that have died for our freedoms. Instead, I’ll say Happy Birthday to the country they keep free. And to Becky. Perhaps next year, she’ll see the magic in the fireworks above the harbor… reflected in her son’s eyes.

Treading Water

drowning2And the sea grows
I close my eyes
Move slowly through drowning waves
Going away on a strange day

“A Strange Day” by The Cure

I had a dream yesterday. A strange dream. I was deep in clear blue water, swimming for the surface with everything I was worth. My lungs hurt. My eyes burned. And as I kicked and kicked, I seemed to be getting no closer to the elusive surface. I remember the thin trail of bubbles I tried to hold in. I remember a poetic reflection of the sun, broken, bent, as it sparkled through the blue around me. My arms felt like lead, my legs tingled. And then the reflection seemed to pull away from me. I wanted that ray of sunshine. I wanted to follow those bubbles. But I realized I was sinking. I had given up the fight. I was succumbing to the depths around me.

And then I gasped fresh air, sputtered and spit chlorine.

I was sitting in a bamboo lounge chair at the edge of a bottomless pool. In the water, I could see myself sinking. The fight gone. Deeper and deeper. I wanted to jump in and save myself, but before I could a hand grabbed my wrist.

“Sit.”

A man sat sipping an umbrella drink in a chair next to me. He had calm eyes and a soothing voice.

“But I need to save myself.” I couldn’t hear my words. I do not think I spoke out loud, but he answered me. Answered my thoughts, my unspoken questions.

“That is not you. You’re not drowning.” He took a long sip and stared at me, as if waiting for me to get it. “You’re right here.”

I looked at the pool. The figure was all but out of sight in the depths. Only the wrist reaching upward was still distinguishable in the light ripples of the chlorinated water. I could clearly see my dragonfly tattoo.

“No.” He turned my arm over so I could see my wrist. The tattoo in the water looked like the one I currently have in real life. But in my dream, the one on my wrist was different. The colors were swirled, highlights had been added, and tiny white flairs were scattered around the twin insects like cartoon fireflies.

“That was you.” He released my arm. “Now this is you.”

I was abruptly awoken with the feeling that I was babysitting, because the television had crying children on it. You gotta love what the mind does when you’re asleep. Changing scenes by outside influence. Waking you when you just want to sleep. When you want to finish the dream.

But I didn’t need to finish it.

I get it.

Apparently, I understood it subconsciously before I did consciously. Though even then, someone else had to say it out loud. I’m still me. But I’m a different me. I’m not drowning.

But I am treading water.

Beyond the metaphor that some of you may recognize, and the one that only I can see in that dream, there’s the reality of today. The drowning feeling. I just finished edits on one thing and got it turned in. I have to finish edits on the novel, write an article, write & polish a short, and finish another novel by the end of summer. It feels like a lot. It feels like too much when the words are working. I can understand that metaphorical drowning feeling as well. And I’m reminded of how my mother taught me to swim…

Mom carried me out to the ropes at the lake by my Nana’s old house. It was over my head, but she could stand just fine. She smiled at me. She kissed my forehead. And she dropped me. “Sink or swim.” I gulped water. I cried. But I didn’t sink. She didn’t drown me. She taught me to tread water.

My to-do list is not a bottomless pool. I will not sink. I will swim. I’ve been good at treading water since I was five years old—even though that’s not me any more. And by the end of summer, I’ll be a swimmer of Olympic caliber… regarding all the waterlogged metaphors in that dream.

What Counts

prettyflowerI suck. I know. I haven’t blogged this week. Been busy. Been dealing with the emotional void of my kids being gone for the summer and busying myself with cleaning the house and editing. Here are some fleeting thoughts I’ve had since the roadtrip home…

My son still gives me flowers (see image). He may be gone for a few months, but I had the picture on my desktop and saw it. And smiled. Of course, nothing has changed since was old enough to pick them—he still steals them from random yards. But the thought is what counts.

Amanda “cleaned” her room before she left for the summer. Clean is apparently subjective. I’ve stolen all the laundry baskets back and set mousetraps and mothballs. The crime scene tape will be put up soon. I could clean it for her, but I don’t know what she’s hiding in plain sight (aka the disaster zone) and wouldn’t want to appear to be snooping. I may want to strangle her some days, but I will always respect her privacy. That counts for something, right?

A spotted fawn staggered in front of us on the road trip last weekend. Hippie’s eyes lit up, “I want to pet it! Do you want an adventure?” I pulled over, turned around, and we went back to make sure the stagger was youth not injury. It was motherless but not hurt and ran away from him like a canadian covered in bacon grease. Thank goodness, because then he told me it was the metaphorical midget goat and he was going to grab it and bring it home. No live specimens! But he was trying to be helpful to what he thought was an injured critter. Failed or not, the thought is what counts.

Finally, as you may have gathered from twitter and/or facebook, I threw my back out. Holding the hose in one hand, I tried to heft the mostly empty and now clean pool with the other. The combination of weight (it’s filled with air, it should have been light!) and the twisting action was more than this old gypsy body could take. I froze when my back made that horrible “pop” sound. A few moments later, I realized I wasn’t breathing because I hadn’t taken Lamaze classes. See, this past weekend my sister and I were talking about Lamaze because I didn’t have it and told her I knew how to breathe. My sister claims that Lamaze is to teach you to breathe through pain because it’s our tendency to hold our breathe in pain. I disagreed. The universe proved me wrong. Rather than make up new swear words, I laughed as the thought flitted through my head and began breathing again. Yes, I hurt myself, but I laughed at myself. And so long as we can laugh at ourselves, that’s all that counts…

In the big scheme of things, when life is throwing water balloons at you and stress is breaking your sense of humor, remember what truly counts. If you can’t think of anything off the top of your head, stop what you’re doing and do something that truly counts. Whether it’s a thought, an action, or simply a gesture. In the end, some things count. Others just don’t.

Knee… Elbow…

swearingMaurice let me do some crazy things with panels at Mo’Con this year, and we giggled through the panel on sex and fiction. One of the points we were making was when it’s appropriate to call sex organs by vernaculars and other silly names.

Revisiting the topic after hearing a word for penis I was unfamiliar with, I went Googling.

I know better than to go Googling.

I do.

But it’s a disease and I’ll never learn.

So, as I travel across the states and try and survive the long trek through Michigan, yet again, I’m setting this bad boy on auto-blog. Here’s your silly to end the week…

2062 names for the penis

Oddly, there are only 172 nick names for female genitalia, and only 129 synonyms for breasts

Now then… while you giggle your way down the lists, guess which ones you should never use in your writing!

SSDD

summer-vacation-photo-contest_slideshow_imageFriday we hit the road for Wisconsin… again. This time, we’re coming back in a quieter vehicle. This time, we’re leaving the kids behind for summer. It will suck, so I’ll make the best of it and force the time to go quickly.

Yes, I said that.

And my younger self, the 12-year-old that lives just under the surface, is crying a little bit. Summer vacation used to mean the beach and sun, BBQs and picnics, relaxing and giggling and making memories. It meant wishing it would drag on forever and school would never start again.

But I have work to do.

I have a short story due next week that I still need to fix. I have an article due in July that I need to pull from an old blog and make pretty. I have another story due in August that I haven’t even started beyond musing and the first paragraph. I have a novel that needs to be finished before the kids get back in August. And when/if there’s downtime or I need a break, there’s a Big Mac vampire novel to be written. It’s crunch time. I’ll be going back to twice a week blogs and spending a ton of energy beating the muse until she’s bruised and bloody and begging for me to go to the beach, just so I’ll leave her alone for a day.

But right now I’m taking a smoke break and daydreaming of summer vacations past—because I’m a memory lane whore.

I remember fishing and swimming, snorkeling and tubing, and sitting in the canoe just floating with a book at the cabin. Fireworks on the water—both Lake Superior and at the cabin. Moonlight on the big lake, with a boy or a beer, or both. Laying around doing absolutely nothing other than communing with Ra. Bomb pops and ice cream cones. Reading books in the big loft doorway of the garage. Movies and sleepovers. Hanging out with my boyfriend, or the girls, or the gang, as the day dictated. Babysitting and climbing trees. Upgrading from the 10-speed to mom’s car. Train tracks in the rain. Jumping from the lighthouse. Four-wheeling in the pit and flashlight tag in the graveyard. Fires on the beach and parties at the point. Long quiet walks in the woods and picking rocks along the shoreline at sunset.

And writing in my notebooks.

Because even back in high school, when I saw summer vacation as a lazy-fest of do-nothing-and-like-it, I was writing. Poems, short stories, strange passages that would lay dormant until remembered, and occasionally used, years later. Even then I had words to spew, blood to spill. I never traveled without my smokes, my shades, and a pencil in my back pocket.

Some things never change…