Yeah, it's Thursday. I can't believe it's Thursday... that was quick! And because it's Thursday, it's also coffee talk---it's just going to be about "this" Thursday rather than a general question... So, tonight, in front of friends and loved ones, I was supposed to do my first live reading. It got canceled... but then we said screw it and we're doing it for a small circle of friends anyway. Because I practiced my butt off and need to get this out of the way. So I'm still reading tonight... with live footage to Canada even! No big deal right? I talk all the time---hell, I've been accused of never shutting up. But this is different. I've done convention panels and I've done school plays, no problem. But this is different. This is my words, being judged live. That's the part that's killing me. Just like when I had to read a paper in front of the class. Hey if you don't like my writing, that's fine. You don't give me an A on a paper? Fine. I don't have a problem with that. I'm not one of those whiners or babies that think you should or you're not my friend. Everyone likes what they like and hates what they hate. But usually when someone reads something of mine, I'm not the one doing the reading. I'm not standing right there to see their expressions. Speaking of expressions... part of what makes me nervous is that it won't be strangers. There would have been "some" at the library, but now it's none. I love who's coming, but they also make me more nervous. I think strangers would have been easier [and yet, I point blank asked 2 specific people to be at the library, yes, I'm mental]. Instead, it's going to be my kids, my friends, my mentor and big brother (the library was going to include my boyfriend's parents and boss, so at least I dodged THAT bullet!) It's not going to be someone at a con telling me they enjoy my blog, or that they read my story in _____ and didn't really care for it. I can tell them I hope they like the next one. This... this is live. I know if I'm bombing before I'm done. I'll know... oy. Of course, I was Buttercup and I've been practicing and trying to find my inner Kelli "fucking" Dunlap to take over the show for me and do this. But I'm still nervous. I get a little more nervous and a little less nervous every day. It's a very Sybil kind of surreal week. But wait, we need a question for coffee talk, don't we. Well, I went and answered before I asked again. This week is "share your pain." Tell me about the thing that made you most nervous. That thing you had to do that made your stomach jump and your knees buckle. Did you vomit? Did you faint? Did you have to do it again at a later point and it became easier, or is your nervous fear a permanent thing? I've personally never puked or passed out, and am hoping to keep that track record going. But hey! A Galliger-style reading would be new---just don't be in that front row when I finally do this for a crowd, cuz I'm not bringing watermelons!!
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